Thoughts

Marriage in Crisis

Thirty odd years ago, marriage was still considered an institution, though the fraying at the ends had already begun. The young trusted their parents and watched, with peripheral interest, the matching of horoscopes, the meetings of the families and lastly the meeting of the two important players in the future union. A large percentage of these marriages seemed to work and if they didn’t very few knew about them. In conventional families, the wife’s subservient attitude curbed her individuality and she was prepared to take the backseat while the husband devoted his time to his career. Whatever may have been the path which led to a marriage arranged or otherwise, there were societal pressures and ones on the couple to keep the marriage stable.

Marriages has always been such a highly gendered institution, the differences apparent in the division of labor, parenting styles, different responsibilities, expressions of social intimacies and psychological orientation. Automatically, irrespective of whether the woman works outside the home or not, they are largely responsible for the housework, childcare. They play pivotal roles in family and marriage while the men are involved in their provider roles and generally the “outside of homework” though more and more women are taking on this extra baggage in lieu of the fact that there is increasing pressure on the man in his work.

Today the institution of marriage is in transition. There has been so much emphasis on gender equality without other supporting factors …. That of acceptance of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, no high expectations or divisions of labor, so much so, the incidence of divorce even in a country like India, with different norms of sustenance and forbearance has gone up alarmingly.

What is disturbing is the high divorce rate among older people, couples who have been married for 15-20 years, where the women want to call it quits owning to the infidelity on the part of the husband, mental cruelty and other factors which no longer need prolong suffering, with the woman’s economic independence.

Where gender roles were defined, it was easier to conform to a pattern but with the inevitable emancipation of woman, her economic independence, western influences and new value systems imbibed from peer groups or passed on by her parents, marriage has assumed a new face. It should be remembered that couples do not exist in a social vacuum but within a larger social context that forms and shapes the values, expectations and beliefs of the partners and constraints their patterns of interaction and transaction as a couple system.

With longer life spans and an active life prolonged, one can anticipate more years with a life partner, which is why sandbaggers are required on the shores of marriage building up defences against the downturn in the support for the institution. Marriage counselors, formerly pooh-poohed at, have today assumed a role of importance in guiding couples through stormy seas and averting the imminent pain of divorce. Can one develop a system where established marriage couples with successful marriages, properly trained, can bring their skills forward in fostering love and understanding between couples?

Today, in India there is a disenchantment with the system of arranged marriages and a reluctance to “take the matrimonial plunge”. Even for dating couples the world over, saying “yes” to a legal bond of matrimony before they say “I do”.

Living together before marriage is like nutri sweet; it doesn’t provide the context to really find out the worth, the values nor the character and commitment of the other person. It may be fun, it may save money but it is not the same as a till-death-do-us-apart commitment.

That marriage is in crisis, is an universal happening. Marriage is strongly institutionalized, not just in India but also in the west and is a preferred context for intimate relations and is the cornerstone of family life. There is a compulsive need to stay married and have children within the marriage. Marriage involves a high degree of interdependence, a close emotional bond, sharing of residence, a commitment over time, a sharing of roles and functions and an active sexual relationship. Marriage offers stability, providing an atmosphere of love, acceptance, encouragement and trust in which partners exchange instrumental and expressive support.

In today’s shifting values and changing times, there is a less reliance on marriage as a definer of sex and living arrangements throughout life. There are more number of extra-marital relationships including open gay and lesbian relationships, a delay in the age of getting married, higher rate of marital disruption and a more egalitarian gender-role attitude among men and women, where norms and values have been totally structured.

Priorities have shifted even in a country with hidebound traditions like India. Where the priority was the husband, it has shifted to careers as far as the woman is concerned and deep resentment surfaces when the husband is not willing to share duties in the house. Stay-at-home women who have given up careers to be good mothers and home makers find little children and the never ending drudgeries of housework single-handed. The woman’s fatigue and pent up frustration is heaped on her husband producing the inevitable lacuna in the marriage.

The husband is intimidated by the new-image woman, bewildered by the revolt when he has been brought up all along to expect a conformist woman who regards her husband as the most important factor in her life. The answer to this lies in the mother’s bringing up their sons to accept the fact that gender roles are no longer defined and that men and women have to share the burden of work and child rearing tempered with tolerance and understanding if the marriage has to work. With the present day work pressures, a feel for each other’s nest and giving one another space is of paramount importance, with a healthy respect for each other. Couples who set apart time to do something together are those who have a successful marriage, prioritizing this, even putting it above their children. When the children grow up and move away from the parental umbrella, the couple realize that they have only each other and for ones who have not debated on this aspect, its too late and the rift is too wide, what with the chemistry on the wane and the predictability of the marriage jarring. It is imperative that each partner cultivates some interest which can be pursued well into retirement days and which will stave off the loneliness and the pain when children leave home.

Women tend to be more concerned about their marriage than men and head for counseling. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts and when they give up the effort the marriage is generally over. The men feel that the expectations of the women are immense and they cannot please them however hard they try, despite a sizeable contribution to the family. They are under pressure to improve financial contribution, share in raising the children and provide emotional support to the wives. With tremendous pressure at work, they suffer emotional exhaustion. The simpler role of husbands in the past decides has now been replaced with a more complex role. But the emotional needs of a woman are different: she wants a soul-mate, someone who can understand her needs, someone who is caring and one who will take care of her when she is unduly stressed.

The goal of the marriage is to become united in purpose and spirit not to overpower and control each other. Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this because they have learnt how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life’s role. Couples emotionally distant have great difficulty accomplishing this goal, because they are accustomed to doing what they please, regardless of its effect on one another.

It is hoped that in the years to come, granted that children have inculcated the basic qualities of trust, sense of commitment and fulfillment of obligatory roles, marital relationships will stabilize and assume to some degree the importance that they held the last generation.

In conclusion all I have to say is marriage is often not the happily-ever-after phenomena as portrayed in fairy tales or films, nor is it a permanent state of romance.

It is a life long process of cementing a relationship in the face of several adversities and an ongoing process of physical and emotional accommodation, sharing and loving. We should neither idealize it nor have our knives sharpened all the time. There is no perfect marriage and there never will be one. Neither is it necessary to be so. All the fun will be lost if marriage is always sedate and predictable.