Opening my eyes every morning has become a task. I ask myself do I have to? The answer bellows, pressed by the modern day necessity of having to sustain. But what is sustenance? The more pertinent question would be, to what end? Are we living for ourselves or are we just filling in the blanks? Is normalcy putting a patch on your wound and moving on? Is that what living is?
The alarm breaks my train of thought and I am reminded of the minutes ticking. Unenthusiastically I feel myself getting up, though I see my soul still curling under the comforter. And then it strikes me, lately I have been sleep walking through my life. In the midst of all the rush/chaos in life, we leave our souls behind. We need to walk slowly so that they can catch up with us. For what? Everything that seems pointless?
Depression is engulfing me and I feel like a disease whose own unhappiness is marring other’s enjoyment. When asked how the great US depression started, Ernest Hemmingway said “Gradually, then suddenly”. When is that going to happen to me?
I have been trying to feel the numbness. I want to be deprived of my tears. I want my eyes to be empty of everything, just like me, nothing but a destroyed face.
5 comments:
WO! The last paragraph is fucking awesome. empty like my destroyed face? Wo! The mood's ominous, excruciating and poetic.
sometimes sustenance become the raison d'etre of life...which is very disturbing indeed...but then again as they say...it's the choices one makes that determines life...how utterly vexing!
It does not go away till it goes away...
Lopa I was reading your blogs and somewhere in between I got totally immersed in them, almost as if I felt them, felt your pain. You write very well...you know I hate being nice and hence I like your stuff more...coz I know you have the courage to share the truth and not being artificially nice or untrue or being superficially glossy...
Darling, times are rough. Dont look for the anchor anymore. Instead nurture within yourself that force, that will conquer the tsunami that is perhaps to come. Pray dont misuse or waste the strengths God has given you. Wake up with the belief that you are The Best.
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