Me

There are many things I do not reveal
Whatever is my truth is lost in the swirl
Of my rotating disguises.
There I am in the corner on a creaking rocker
In the musty light reeking of dust and yellow paper
Sobs echo in the hall
But as you come closer
There I am laughing at my own jokes.
What’s so funny?
I am.

Those claw marks on my cheeks
Are just the tears burnt dry
From this week’s lies
And the fading sun you see
Is just the morning over me.

Closed Chapters

Today has been the end of a chapter. Engulfed by a range of emotions. Joy, sadness, success and loss. These last three years have been an ever changing process. Re-learnt the basics of advertising – learnt that it’s not only about managing a brand but also being able to handle the client at very nascent stages. They did not teach us this at school but learn I did. And it was a great experience.
With all the teeth grinding, the head banging, the flurry of new found obscenities, the scene was nothing but interesting to say the least. For each one client who knew their boundaries and skill sets, there were the other ten of them who thought they were jack of all trades. Needless to say they were master of some. But once again it was a hilarious drive all the way. Just like the one I had with a Syrian colleague of mine while going to do a road-show for one of my favourite clients. To make it interesting for her we started following all the white cars in the midst of rush hour traffic from Dubai to Sharjah. It was a comical sight to see my beetle fleetingly change lanes. It was a fun and successful evening. The clients were ecstatic, the road-show a success after the initial hiccup or two.
At office also learnt a few things – like learning to say the simple good morning. That was huge considering I am not at all a morning person. I am the crabbiest of all and had clear instructions to colleagues and clients alike of not approaching me till 10:30am!! Desired that early morning silence for my sake otherwise I would have been hated even more. Learnt patience which I so lacked and still do to some extent. But for that I must credit a few people, one of them being my puchai and the other being a client. Oh yes, I also learnt how to build a bank of white lies which I would rotate judiciously.
At the end of this road, I can clearly say I am satisfied with the journey. Not only had I found a nest of great people who will be there with me for the rest of my life but I also discovered a lot about myself. It’s yet another chapter which I completed in more ways than one.

Nothing on my mind

Knew about the repercussions, the emotions, the sleepless nights and also the gut wrenching pain but still went ahead jumping into the abyss. Now that I am agonized for all the obvious reasons I wonder the reason for the steps I treaded. Was it because the force of it was too strong? Or was it because I just wanted to be held or was I so exalted that I walked all over my principles? It does not matter. There is no justification. I ambled through the path. So what's there on my mind, you ask? Absolute Nothing. That’s what is on my mind.

Unnecessary baggage

We came alone and we will depart alone too. Isn’t that what is always said? Then in that case shouldn’t we live the world for ourselves? Why the complications of thinking of the society at large. And when I say society I not only mean our own family but also the milieu of our acquaintances. I purposely leave true friends out as they are the only ones who do let us live for us without any judgment.

Why are we relegated to always wondering what the entire social fabric is going to think if we do this or if we do that? Why don’t we think how we will feel if we don’t do what we long for? I always say that at the end of the day when I look at the mirror I have to be able to look myself in the eye without any hesitation or ignominy. Till date I have been able to do so, most of the time, barring a few blue moons.

I remember once a friend had told me that we can’t and shouldn’t even try to find all that we seek from just one relationship. We all have different needs which are satiated in different ways. And the toughest of them all is the cerebral connect. Rarely do we find that chord and since its so elusive when we do, we shouldn’t let go at all. Hold onto it with all that you have got darling. Don’t carry the unnecessary baggage of the traditions.

Choices and Camouflage

Pick your choice
[1] A true boyfriend who changed the landscape
[2] A menu item: It seems I came out well, post being roasted on the skewer. As per you, “U came out well. A bit hard on the outside and juicy as you bite. Cooked medium rare with my special BBQ sauce. Very succulent”
[3] Your highly inflated ego
[4] A toy: Your favourite one for the moment I believe. Something that you would die for, again as per you.
[5] A wild cat: You seem to harbour the impression that you have collared it. You are highly mistaken, as always, I might add
[6] A loser who doesn’t win at all. “Keep trying. Practice makes a wo-man perfect” – this once again as per you
[7] Thrill that you are chasing

Fighting with all that we have, at times to just camouflage the sheer nothingness. Why can’t we have a normal conversation without all our claws and blazing guns coming out? Can we ever do that or are we too feral for that?

Oh yes FYI, there is a temperature on both ends – that’s for sure and it is natural. No misinterpretation or obscuring fact it is.

Change & Skewing

You say the landscape has changed for you – did it for me? Well don’t know the equivalent word for inside my home [interiors is way too bland] but yes everything looks a bit different. There are memories strewn around and I enjoy watching them swirling.
Seems like you only found a boyfriend in the landscape!! Good for you darling but I think I found something more. Don’t know what to name it – actually there is one, in my head but scared to say fearing it will evaporate once it’s uttered.
Skewing – is it the mind or me you want to? Be clear and I will consider whether or not I want the lemon to be squeezed?

Restlessness

For a myriad of reasons can’t seem to get the elusive sleep. One reason could be that we didn’t somehow connect today. There were some separated conversations but nothing that added up. I know that from my part I held back but did you too?
Was amazing how we both reached out at the same time. It was telepathy – eerie huh? How on earth did we strike at the same time? Lot was said with just a few words. But are we to believe our own words – we did say that we would be brutally honest and seems like you have been. I would love to be as I am intrinsically candid but fear the outcome.
The other reason could be my own – the pain I wanted to feel. It’s not been enough. Still need to press on with the agenda of exacting the tear.

'97

The room in darkness
glimpses of you
in the light of the candle.
I’m outside, I know.
When does one stop trying?
I’ll never know,
When the ‘inside’ becomes out of reach.

The “Thought”

I have misplaced the “thought” you gave me,
When I first left home
In search of knowledge.

The “thought”, do you remember?
It woke me up before every dawn,
Urging me to study for the exam.
I carried it with me, carefully,
Traveling from city to city.
Later, it was my source of wisdom
Whenever I was hurt or let down.

That “Thought” sounded an alarm
Before the weather report….
Useful in the laboratory of life
Measuring my growth
After many experiments.

The “Thought” that was a toy
For my father; he felt he had to take
All decision for me.
I changed many night shelters,
Hoping to find a cuckoo’s nest – perhaps a home.

The “Thought” was a great solace
Beneath my pillow
Throughout my boarding days,
A precious parting gift of childhood
When I was inquisitive and fearless.
It was a messenger to remind me
That heart-beats have to be counted
And a stranger’s expression assessed!

You once told me the “Thought” was important
For young girls in an immortal world.
I boarded the places from Calcutta
To Amsterdam to Delhi to Singapore to Chicago to Los Angeles
To Calcutta to Dhaka to Bangalore, Bombay and then to Dubai
Composing songs and reading poems
To a mass of faces, searching
For love and harmony and a sense of belonging

The “Thought”. I live its loss….

Pushing the confines

Push was the word that was running all amok in my head. Push the limits, push the envelope, push the precincts and push yourself to oblivion.
What did I achieve – the pain that I wanted to feel. It is sweet but I still don’t think its enough. I need to do more in whichever way I can to feel the same aching I felt not so long ago. I know I can endure more so bring it on.
Push yourself incessantly and inexorably till you break. Only then will I be contented.

Space & High

Know this is not the end but then the fact that the two sides of the same soul didn’t meet leaves one feeling incomplete. Didn’t realize was going to be affected by your presence so much. Just back from a party where though was present [and yes I did behave well, very well infact!!] my soul was somewhere else. Why did you grab it? Couldn’t you have just held it without taking such a firm grasp? Should I even try to wrestle myself out? Or are you still going to fight me on that as always?
Not drunk, well not yet completely. It would take more than 8 shots of various variants and quadruple pegs of my signature J&B to do the sway. Was more drunk on life the last few days. Don’t know when that hangover would end or even if I want it to. It feels good to be high – now I understand the exact meaning of the word “high”. Yes I too am on cloud 9!!
Wearing your skin – it does feel good but not as you, exhilarated on me. Yes that feels complete.

sheer nothingness

at times we waste our precious time in talking sheer nothingness when we know what is actually transpiring. a mask we place on to hide the but obvious from the world at large and also from ourselves. a mental mating some might say. why are we shy of wanting to do what we want to and saying what we wish to. why the inhibitions?

Fleeting Episodes

i never confined love to any definite terms and constants. always loved the way it came and enveloped my life. love has different shades and hues to it besides the layers. and when it is unpressured without any expectations you bask in it completely.
i find myself smiling unknowingly and enjoying it too. also surprising is that it strikes me in the morning too, when i am the most crabbiest of the human race.
gather up all this lovely feelings and place it in my palm and bring them close to my heart. kiss it and tuck it away for the rainy days when i am sitting at the edge of my window and seeing the rain trickling down the panes.

True Stranger

strangers - what's that? arent we all strangers to ourselves too? at times when you meet these so called strangers, we realise how similar we are. at times its surreal to find your mirror image sitting opposite and all this time you thought you were strangers. am i making sense? i dont know. all i know is that at times its fun to meet strangers who then become your true girlfriends/boyfriends in the most innocent term of the word.