As I sit down to write this I am bare. Regrets? No I don’t have any. Most of my adult life I have led my life the way I wanted. In that trail, I have lost my family, a lot of friends but I still carried on. Till now barring just one exception where I went against my better judgement I have always stood by my decisions. But that one stride left me devoid. I’ve ceased to believe…. in sense, in justice, in life. I want the end to come soon.
Where did it go astray? Someone whom I hold to high esteem segregated love in Small and Big. To quote him, “Small Love began with all the promise of a Big Love but it traced the mediocre path of relationship, engagement, marriage, kids, and so on, and at every step extinguishing the flame of love and settling down to an arrangement ordered compromise, a trade-in, whereas, Big Love remained perpetually big on euphoria, discovery and erotica. It never settled down in comfort. It never labeled itself and it was never was predictable. Importantly, it was incomplete, and big. A perpetual nagging longing that was capable of both profound hurt and unbridled happiness.” [Before I go any further, I have to say he so poignantly articulated what I had just devised in one unknown corner of my mind-thanks!]
To come back to my thoughts, I thought ours was big but then I was mistaken. It was of the former variant. Real love is total. It’s like life or death. Like you know you are going to die when you’re apart, because the need is so pure, so complete. It’s what I undergo.
Realised, notwithstanding my rebellious nature, I still covet stability. I was happy in my aloneness. Told you, “If you fell in love with me, you would be lighting a candle in a room full of lights”. You still barged in. I pedalled away as fast as I could as if I were escaping from longing, from innocence, from love, from all that made me smile knowing that it wasn’t going to last. To be true, you treated me like a woman. Till then I was just one of the guys in the gang and never thought these things would have mattered. But I guess it did. And that was the beginning of my first mislaid pace.
Dreams which I had only reflected on were coming to life. I gave it a go. What I didn’t bargain for is the hook, line and sinker routine. You reeled me in and then spurt me out. But that was not what we promised when we embarked. We said this would be for keeps. Well that wasn’t to be.
Instead I was in a darker place of nothingness. It was where I started from just with the difference of yet more excruciating reminiscences. As if I didn’t have my share of aches. I wanted to be alone when I am dead. People fear death. They don’t want to face it alone. But we are still alone. It’s just nicer to be alone together. Platitudes are harder to bear. You killed my joy.
3 comments:
you have taken away my words: what words could there be that could define such profound yet indifferent sorrow? sorrow itself doesn't. sorrow remains a fleeting temporal thing, inherent in it an escape, something like- soon it will be forgotten when the Fall comes. death, could be an option, but there is too much finality in the word. i give up trying to define something that defies a definition especially when it seems to be so organic growing and evolving within us, with us. such hurts never go away, they burn a place in our souls. everytime we are defiled and we sit on the shores of the River Sorrow it ignites again and, ironically, the only way to douse it is to jump in that river of sorrow itself. life is cruel, but because it is we can compare what it is to feel happiness. or we would be happy without knowing what was happiness. i am sorry i still can't find the words.
It’s not about sitting by the riverbed of sorrow. It’s the question of how long should one be subjected to dangling their minds on that bank. Also understand the see-sawing and thus the real recognition of joy but once again in that action, what goes up must come down; my see-saw seems to be on a perennial down. What is the weight that’s causing its inertia? Tried to analyse it but have come up empty, just like my core which is progressing on the path to a state of finality.
each to his own, is the reasoning. i really can never be able to totally empathise with your state of finality. all i can wish is that you find some happiness someplace else to counter that weight of sorrow.
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