Thursday, May 28, 2020

Elegy


Memories of you beneath the full moon
Dancing at the high tide of heaven’s rich boon,
Informs the cliffs and canyons of my soul:
With munificence so to crown your role,

            Yet maintain exquisite control!
            The memory has exacted its toll ….

Strontium Ninety in each falling bone
Have I been journeying forth alove
Through monasteries of mountain and of moor
And big city din of teeming public ways
Where changing lights brought no beloved face.

            I dream on still, of brocade in the night:
            Of jasmine trailing its soft allure
            And peacocks that made the dusk more bright.

Thoughts

Marriage in Crisis

Thirty odd years ago, marriage was still considered an institution, though the fraying at the ends had already begun. The young trusted their parents and watched, with peripheral interest, the matching of horoscopes, the meetings of the families and lastly the meeting of the two important players in the future union. A large percentage of these marriages seemed to work and if they didn’t very few knew about them. In conventional families, the wife’s subservient attitude curbed her individuality and she was prepared to take the backseat while the husband devoted his time to his career. Whatever may have been the path which led to a marriage arranged or otherwise, there were societal pressures and ones on the couple to keep the marriage stable.

Marriages has always been such a highly gendered institution, the differences apparent in the division of labor, parenting styles, different responsibilities, expressions of social intimacies and psychological orientation. Automatically, irrespective of whether the woman works outside the home or not, they are largely responsible for the housework, childcare. They play pivotal roles in family and marriage while the men are involved in their provider roles and generally the “outside of homework” though more and more women are taking on this extra baggage in lieu of the fact that there is increasing pressure on the man in his work.

Today the institution of marriage is in transition. There has been so much emphasis on gender equality without other supporting factors …. That of acceptance of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, no high expectations or divisions of labor, so much so, the incidence of divorce even in a country like India, with different norms of sustenance and forbearance has gone up alarmingly.

What is disturbing is the high divorce rate among older people, couples who have been married for 15-20 years, where the women want to call it quits owning to the infidelity on the part of the husband, mental cruelty and other factors which no longer need prolong suffering, with the woman’s economic independence.

Where gender roles were defined, it was easier to conform to a pattern but with the inevitable emancipation of woman, her economic independence, western influences and new value systems imbibed from peer groups or passed on by her parents, marriage has assumed a new face. It should be remembered that couples do not exist in a social vacuum but within a larger social context that forms and shapes the values, expectations and beliefs of the partners and constraints their patterns of interaction and transaction as a couple system.

With longer life spans and an active life prolonged, one can anticipate more years with a life partner, which is why sandbaggers are required on the shores of marriage building up defences against the downturn in the support for the institution. Marriage counselors, formerly pooh-poohed at, have today assumed a role of importance in guiding couples through stormy seas and averting the imminent pain of divorce. Can one develop a system where established marriage couples with successful marriages, properly trained, can bring their skills forward in fostering love and understanding between couples?

Today, in India there is a disenchantment with the system of arranged marriages and a reluctance to “take the matrimonial plunge”. Even for dating couples the world over, saying “yes” to a legal bond of matrimony before they say “I do”.

Living together before marriage is like nutri sweet; it doesn’t provide the context to really find out the worth, the values nor the character and commitment of the other person. It may be fun, it may save money but it is not the same as a till-death-do-us-apart commitment.

That marriage is in crisis, is an universal happening. Marriage is strongly institutionalized, not just in India but also in the west and is a preferred context for intimate relations and is the cornerstone of family life. There is a compulsive need to stay married and have children within the marriage. Marriage involves a high degree of interdependence, a close emotional bond, sharing of residence, a commitment over time, a sharing of roles and functions and an active sexual relationship. Marriage offers stability, providing an atmosphere of love, acceptance, encouragement and trust in which partners exchange instrumental and expressive support.

In today’s shifting values and changing times, there is a less reliance on marriage as a definer of sex and living arrangements throughout life. There are more number of extra-marital relationships including open gay and lesbian relationships, a delay in the age of getting married, higher rate of marital disruption and a more egalitarian gender-role attitude among men and women, where norms and values have been totally structured.

Priorities have shifted even in a country with hidebound traditions like India. Where the priority was the husband, it has shifted to careers as far as the woman is concerned and deep resentment surfaces when the husband is not willing to share duties in the house. Stay-at-home women who have given up careers to be good mothers and home makers find little children and the never ending drudgeries of housework single-handed. The woman’s fatigue and pent up frustration is heaped on her husband producing the inevitable lacuna in the marriage.

The husband is intimidated by the new-image woman, bewildered by the revolt when he has been brought up all along to expect a conformist woman who regards her husband as the most important factor in her life. The answer to this lies in the mother’s bringing up their sons to accept the fact that gender roles are no longer defined and that men and women have to share the burden of work and child rearing tempered with tolerance and understanding if the marriage has to work. With the present day work pressures, a feel for each other’s nest and giving one another space is of paramount importance, with a healthy respect for each other. Couples who set apart time to do something together are those who have a successful marriage, prioritizing this, even putting it above their children. When the children grow up and move away from the parental umbrella, the couple realize that they have only each other and for ones who have not debated on this aspect, its too late and the rift is too wide, what with the chemistry on the wane and the predictability of the marriage jarring. It is imperative that each partner cultivates some interest which can be pursued well into retirement days and which will stave off the loneliness and the pain when children leave home.

Women tend to be more concerned about their marriage than men and head for counseling. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts and when they give up the effort the marriage is generally over. The men feel that the expectations of the women are immense and they cannot please them however hard they try, despite a sizeable contribution to the family. They are under pressure to improve financial contribution, share in raising the children and provide emotional support to the wives. With tremendous pressure at work, they suffer emotional exhaustion. The simpler role of husbands in the past decides has now been replaced with a more complex role. But the emotional needs of a woman are different: she wants a soul-mate, someone who can understand her needs, someone who is caring and one who will take care of her when she is unduly stressed.

The goal of the marriage is to become united in purpose and spirit not to overpower and control each other. Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this because they have learnt how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life’s role. Couples emotionally distant have great difficulty accomplishing this goal, because they are accustomed to doing what they please, regardless of its effect on one another.

It is hoped that in the years to come, granted that children have inculcated the basic qualities of trust, sense of commitment and fulfillment of obligatory roles, marital relationships will stabilize and assume to some degree the importance that they held the last generation.

In conclusion all I have to say is marriage is often not the happily-ever-after phenomena as portrayed in fairy tales or films, nor is it a permanent state of romance.

It is a life long process of cementing a relationship in the face of several adversities and an ongoing process of physical and emotional accommodation, sharing and loving. We should neither idealize it nor have our knives sharpened all the time. There is no perfect marriage and there never will be one. Neither is it necessary to be so. All the fun will be lost if marriage is always sedate and predictable.
An M&B kind of Love – Then and Now

Gone are the days of clinging vines and shy, retiring violets. A new breed of vegetation has taken over, consisting of tiger-lilies and venus fly traps. No longer are the Mills and Boons heroines locked up in their ivory towers of innocence. No longer are they naïve 18-year olds, overawed by the scent of their lover’s cologne [M&B heroes tend to overdo things, anyways!]. No, today’s heroine is older, more intelligent and definitely has a mind of her own [let the hero use any which cologne he wants].

Once upon a time, there lived a strong, masterful, arrogant, tall, dark [and preferably Greek or Italian] Conte Roberto de Falcon, who had a twisted / sardonic / mocking / tasting smile.

“Are you afraid of me? I admit to possessing a temper and pride …. But I can be kind.” [How obliging!]

Only one word aptly sums up the heroine; tremble. She’s liable to tremble when she’s [a] sad [b] feeling cold [c] in his arms [d] out of his arms.

“My little English rose, you were meant for me,” booms his authoritative voice.

“No, don’t please ….”, her voice with an undercurrent of fear fades as he gathers her in his arms and crushes his lips to hers. Her treacherous body betrays her yet again.

Today, we have the sensitive, understanding, adjusting, tender yet devastatingly handsome [spectacles notwithstanding] Brian, His sinewy, taut muscles are the only relic of his caveman ancestor, while she has shed her shackles [among other things].

“Make love to me darling”, she purred, with half closed eyes and half opened lips.

“No”, replied Brian.

“No?!”

“I won’t make love to you. I’ll make love with you”.

Jane, our old M&B heroine, was either a steno or a nurse – depending on whether Senor Roberts was a ruthless businessman or a disillusioned doctor. She’d inevitably marry her boss and docilely give up nursing patients to spend the rest of her life darning his socks.

Today, Jenny [our new heroine] is determined to be who she wants to – a marine biologist, a detective or an ad executive smart enough to hire a maid to darn his socks.

Once upon a time, Dominique Farr was a bleached blonde with Pearl Blossom on her nails, Moonlight Magie on her lips and Christian Dior around her. She has a cold glint in her eye which only the heroine could perceive. The Vamp. Who else would hiss, “You little fool! Do you really think he loves you?”

Once upon a time, dear Jane would land up at a party that was much too wild for her. Her erstwhile charming escort would suddenly turn octopus and she’d scream “No!”[Incidentally, her vocabulary is generally restricted to one word]. Just then, the hero who conveniently happened to be passing by, would grab Mr. Octopus by the collar and growl [clenched teeth et al], “Get your hands off her….”.

Today, of course, self defense is the name of the game. Jenny, of the sharp stiletto fame, manages, in one breath to land a well-aimed kick at Mr. O’s trousers and a “How dare you spy on me, you….”, to the hero hovering around [obviously our woman of steel hasn’t read any fairy tales, with knights in shining armor]. She can take care of herself, her weapons ranging from well-manicured nails to the occasional karate chop.

Birth control. For Jane, before marriage there was no question [blush, blush] as self-control was the only method known to her. And after marriage, why, there was no need!

“Darling”, he murmured.

“No, never! We cannot do it before our wedding night. Patience, darling, it’s only six months away”.

Now as Brian buries his lips in her soft curls and whispers “Jenny?” she can happily reassure him. “It’s alright Brian. I’m on the pill”.

The very quality of the relationship between the hero and the heroine has undergone radical change.

“You treat me like a slave”.

“I treat you like a woman. We Italians understand that a woman must be mastered”.

Compare this with the Nineties attitude.

“I can’t give up everything I’ve worked so hard for Brian”.

“I know sweetheart. Don’t worry. We’ll work something out together”.

Well, that about sums up the two different attitudes. M&B’s have always been an embodiment of a woman’s fantasy. While today’s M&B does retain its fairly tale like quality, surely dreaming of a romance between two adults [as opened to a half witted 18-year old and the Incredible Hulk] is a step in the right direction.